Locktober Reflection #26

Today was one of those dreary, grey autumn days. Outside, it’s been raining nonstop – the sky heavy, dull, and unmoving – and I’ve felt tired and unmotivated all day. I kept doubting whether I’d be able to come up with anything meaningful – let alone interesting – enough to reflect on and share with you today.

Some days are just like that. Days when you’re not quite yourself, maybe a little pensive, maybe even sad. It’s not that anything is wrong, really. My cage feels comfortable, and I just had a wonderful, fulfilling weekend celebrating a friend’s birthday – with great food, lovely encounters, and deep conversations. And yet, today, for the first time in a while, I felt like I couldn’t quite get going – as if a quiet loneliness had crept in. It’s not a new feeling; I’ve had moments like this before, even long before I started living locked. It’s just a bit more present again today.

So instead of letting the day slip away completely, I decided to simply write. To let my thoughts wander freely and see where they might take me. Maybe something meaningful will still come out of it after all.

In moments like these, I sometimes think I must appear rather boring from the outside. When I scroll through the different apps on my phone out of boredom, I can’t help but feel that everyone else seems more daring, more confident, more willing to show themselves.

And in those moments, I often start to question my place in the community as a whole. I ask myself whether I might simply be too different—or maybe just not bold or confident enough. Yes, chastity can sometimes feel quite lonely, even when you seem surrounded by people. Because loneliness doesn’t arise from the absence of others – it comes from the feeling that you’re entirely on your own.

I spoke briefly with a friend about it today. I told him I wasn’t feeling great, that I couldn’t find a way into my writing, and that everything seemed to circle around this one theme: loneliness. Not long after, he sent me a voice message saying that he often feels the same way when it comes to chastity.

And yes, as a self-locked boi, I know that feeling too. There are moments when chastity can feel isolating. I’ve often wondered why it seems so difficult to find a Dom, Sir, or Keyholder with whom I could build something more lasting or intimate.

I’ve tried in the past, several times, but somehow it never quite worked out. I think it often came down to two things: partly me – because by now I’ve found a rhythm and structure that allows me to live my locked life in a fulfilling and balanced way – and partly the fact that many Doms, Sirs, or Masters I met seemed less interested in emotional exchange than I had hoped.

Because if I ever decide to hand over my keys, I need to feel that the dominant person’s interest in emotional connection, communication, and empathy matches my own as a submissive.

So far, I haven’t managed to build that kind of bond – or perhaps intimacy – over a longer period. And if there’s one thing today reminded me of, it’s that this longing for closeness, rather than sexual satisfaction, is what I continue to seek most.

That’s also why, on days like today, it wouldn’t help me to go on an app and look for a random hookup. Even before I lived locked, those encounters often left me feeling emptier and more disconnected than before.

Fortunately, this day took a turn for the better. As I write these final lines, I’ve just finished two wonderful video calls with people I deeply trust – people who’ve become important to me in my chastity journey. During those conversations, I realized how being in connection, sharing openly, and simply being heard can dissolve loneliness – replacing it with calm and a quiet sense of belonging.

Maybe that’s what days like this are for – to remind us to focus on the connections we already have instead of searching endlessly for new ones. Tonight, I feel genuinely grateful for how the day unfolded, because it showed me that I’m not alone and that I don’t have to be.

Today, I chose the path of emotional intimacy — to reach out, to connect, and to share my thoughts and feelings honestly. It wasn’t my best day, and this probably isn’t my best text. But I showed up for it. I made something of it. And maybe that’s what matters most: to keep faith that even the heaviest days are still leading us somewhere — and to remember that behind every grey sky, the light is never truly gone.